It is worth noting, that I am grateful for the good things in my life. I have a fantastic family and specifically a most amazing wife. Recently our family has grown with the inclusion of a lovely little Corgi! I have a relatively stable job, in a dynamic industry and I am presented with regular challenges which when achieved; are rewarded well.
That is to say, while I am grateful; I am not paralyzed by that gratitude. In recognizing how lucky I am, or joyful to have something. I am not forgetting what could be or what could be better. I often feel as if gratitude is used as a means of accepting where you are as a permanent place. “This isn’t so bad” or “Others have it so much worse” may be true statements, and in moments of peace and safety there is nothing wrong with enjoying those things simply because they are there. However, gratitude should never be met with lack of ambition.
When we hope for the best, for something new, for something better; it is not a detriment to the joy we have already captured. You are not selfish for recognizing you have achieved something and still want to achieve more. It is a difficult to separate these sentiments. You can come off as…greedy or selfish. As if you do not recognize the mountains you have climbed. In that moment, it can be annoying to other people. I myself have recognized that even the accomplishments I feel are standard are quite intimidating, or frustrating to hear about to others.
I want a backyard. Ultimately that’s where I am at right now. I feel this deep seated frustration that despite working hard, keeping a job for years, achieving promotions, making investments and trying to grow myself in multiple directions. The changes I am most excited for haven’t come. I know, that I have to take the time required to accept what is impressive, what progress has been made, and that the things I almost consider a standard now where the dreams of only a few years ago.
Ultimately it is my issue with gratitude, wielded in a specific manner. As if it is a weapon, or a lengthy sentence. Gratitude as a survival strategy isn’t how it should be used. In moments of disappointment, it is an elevator. In moments of strife, it should not be a life-vest. It feels irresponsible to drown out current sorrows with attempts at diminishing the sorrow. Gratitude wielded in a way which aims to make painful things positive, or diminish frustration is a misuse. If something pisses you off, don’t be grateful for the opportunity. Don’t be glad you’re presented with the challenge. Just be pissed off about it. Want better. Ask for more. Know you’re worth it. Gratitude is for enjoying what you have achieved, for looking back at the path so far and recognizing the distance covered.
Beyond that frustration, I am tired of accepting pain. Not just physically, which is common for all of us to some degree. Nor mental pain, despite having truckloads of that on a daily basis. I am tired of accepting that work should be hard. That getting better has to be painful. That anything worth having must be suffered for. I demand progress of my life, of the world; of this existence. I believe every painful experience, every frustrating one; can be bettered. That while we may endure unpleasant times, it is through these observations that we can eliminate them in our world. Gratitude, as a lifestyle, means grinning and bearing it. It means suffering over and over again only to have that experience be something you allow to reoccur. Little miseries, tiny tacks in our shoes, all because, well, it could be nails in our shoe or greater misfortunes.
It feels like to me, more and more over the years, just being grateful is a demand of those who don’t need to be. The very people who never need to be grateful for what they have, because they can get whatever they want, are the same people saying everyone else should be glad they have what they do. It is this, medieval concept, an acceptance of the social displacement of others. In believing that you deserve more then anyone else, you are allowing it. We should want not just the best for ourselves; but for all. I’m not sure who truly coined the phrase, but it remains true: ‘A rising tide lifts all boats‘. If you want better for yourself, you should want better for your neighbor. In their joy, in their peace; yours only grows. In silent gratitude, we sit alone, accepting our boat is where it is and feeling glad the water hasn’t gone down any further.
Going into another week, I feel what life could be. Time with my wife. Walking my dog. Sleeping in the middle of the day. Reading and writing, only to stop, make a meal, play a game, cuddle the Corgi and feel no pressure to do something else. I’m not sure how people have become so grateful for their lives that they are willing to absolutely give them away. Even now, I watch people, every day, give themselves permanently to someone else. Losing their time, losing their life, losing their personality; all because they are trapped in gratitude. Their home, their safety, the food they eat. They are tricked into thinking they don’t deserve it. That their life has no inherent value, nor is it worth anything by default. They are tricked into thinking, I must carve myself up, and be glad for the opportunity; just to pay the dues of living. That is wrong, it is propaganda, it is not the true of life; we are all more valuable then that.
On a finishing note, on this series of somewhat connected thoughts. I put out a wish into the world. Whether it be a few weeks from now, or years. I want AI to take over the world. I want the systems we live in now to be dismantled. I want everyone to have a home, food, and time to spend with themselves. I want everything everyone feels they need to work for, to become free. For our time to be so wholly reconsidered, that our effort can only be spent on our own worthwhile pursuits. That medicine will taste good. That treatments for even the most extensive or elaborate concerns are free and painless. I am grateful for the life I have, the advances I live besides. But I will happily watch them all become remnants of the past as we accept our blessings; and continue to invent new ones.
Josh Perry: Canadian Author 